A View From The Handbasket

Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Timeless American values
Posted by neros_fiddle at 9:49 AM
Here's one for all the struggling grant writers out there (you know who you are).

The Department of Health and Human Services wants you to know that federal dough is available for programs telling kids to keep it in their pants until safely in the protective bubble of a government-sanctioned heterosexual marriage, at which time their judgement will become infallible.

Since we wouldn't want this valuable money spent on programs that don't reflect our American values, HHS helpfully provides the following mandates:

Required Content:


  • Material must not promote contraception and/or condom use (as opposed to risk elimination).
  • A curriculum must not promote or encourage sexual activity outside of marriage.
  • A curriculum must not promote or encourage the use of any type of contraceptives outside of marriage or refer to abstinence as a form of contraception.

Additional Guidance Regarding Curriculum Content:

  • Abstinence curricula must have a clear definition of sexual abstinence which must be consistent with the following: "Abstinence means voluntarily choosing not to engage in sexual activity until marriage. Sexual activity refers to any type of genital contact or sexual stimulation between two persons including, but not limited to, sexual intercourse."
  • The curriculum must have a clear message regarding the importance of student abstinence from sexual activity until marriage and must emphasize that the best life outcomes are more likely obtained if an individual abstains until marriage.
  • The term "resources" must refer to all materials to be used in the submitted curriculum.
  • Throughout the entire curriculum, the term "marriage" must be defined as "only a legal union between one man and one woman as a husband and wife, and the word 'spouse' refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife." (Consistent with Federal law)
  • The curriculum must teach the psychological and physical benefits of sexual abstinence-until-marriage for youth.
  • The curriculum must teach the importance of marriage, commitment, responsible parenthood, especially fatherhood, and the potential harm of out-of-wedlock childbearing to all racial, socioeconomic, geographic, age, gender and ethnic groups.
  • Information on contraceptives, if included, must be age-appropriate and presented only as it supports the abstinence message being presented. Curriculum must not promote or endorse, distribute or demonstrate the use of contraception or instruct students in contraceptive usage.

Golly, Beav!

So, no "stimulation" at all until marriage, no matter how old you are. No contraceptives (unless you talk about how unreliable they are). And since gays can't get married, they must remain celibate. Forever.

Sounds like a can't-fail plan to me.

The President speaks from a position of moral authority on this issue, since he notoriously enjoyed a lot of women (among other things) as a younger man before his marriage at age 31. Since that clearly impeded his "best life outcomes" (why, he might be President today if he'd only abstained), who better to tell unmarried people today to keep their hands to themselves?

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