A View From The Handbasket

Saturday, October 20, 2007
The Chosen One
Posted by neros_fiddle at 12:58 PM

Image from the Brick Testament

Via Talking Points Memo, it sounds like the actual candidate Fred Thompson is a lot less compelling than the theoretical candidate Fred Thompson.

The loony religious right is currently holding a big "Values Voters Summit" to see which Republican candidates are willing to go farthest in enacting the theocratic fever dreams of our most unhinged and fearful citizens. (With entertainment by Lee Greenwood!)

Thompson didn't do so well.

[Thompson] spoke with his chin often buried in his chest, his voice largely monotone, and he cleared his throat or coughed repeatedly, prompting some to wonder if he might be ill.

He did manage one moment of glory, however.

The activists and evangelical voters appeared to tolerate Fred Thompson's speech this morning, offering polite applause for his pledges to oppose abortion and gay marriage. And then Thompson offered this promise: that in the first hour as president, he would "go into the Oval Office, close the door and pray for the wisdom to do the right thing."

The crowd leapt to their feet, applauding and yelling their approval to a smiling Thompson, who -- it seems -- had finally pushed the right button.

Seeking to usurp Thompson as the evangelical Protestant darling is Mormon Mitt Romney. In a bid to make the faithful faithful forget he ever even lived in Massachusetts, he unleashed a flurry of hardcore theocrat code words and platitudes:

"Parenthood is the ultimate career for which all other careers exist."

"The American family is under stress. Is under attack. Ann and I are going to use the bully pulpit to teach Americans that before they have babies, they should get married."

"As president, I will realign government incentives to encourage marriage."

"A federal amendment is the only way we can protect marriage from liberal, unelected judges."

"I will oppose tax payer funding of abortion, oppose partial birth abortion ... ban cloning ... and raise awareness about embryonic adoption, or snow flake babies."

"It will be one strike and you're ours" for pedophiles on the internet -- "long prison sentences, and if you get out, it means an ankle bracelet for the rest of your life."

"I will ensure that every family has health care -- without new taxes, without Hilarycare, without socialized medicine."

Rumor has it that Mike Huckabee plans to have himself crucified on stage and rise in an ethereal state from the podium. This might sway some "values voters," as long as he doesn't get "soft" on opposing gay rights.

Speaking of which, Barack Obama apparently is OK with letting those who think homosexuality is a disease to be cured by Jesus speak for him. How this represents an alternative to the religious-wacko pandering by the Republicans is not immediately obvious.

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